?

Log in

HE'S · A · WHORE


My whole fucking life is dot.snark

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
This journal is mostly protected entries to limit the amount my big mouth gets me in trouble. If you would like to indulge in the train wreck that is my life, comment to be added
* * *
In 2009, porn_into_this resolves to...
Keep my gonnafindout clean.
Buy new queer bubbles.
Find a better shemale.
Cut down to ten linoprints a day.
Tell my family about vegan cupcakes.
Give up whoring.
Get your own New Year's Resolutions:
* * *
1. "I have decided to deny you my cum today"*

2. "I can really go a long time, so I might not get there.."**

Translation:
* I'm too nervous to keep it up
**I snorted a whole shitload of coke and I can feel nothing in my body

* * *
2 clients. I'd dicked around both of them for weeks, filled with ambiguity around what it means to whore with this body. I put so many different gender catch phrases in my ad...it's stressful to guess which character I'm supposed to be. 5 bookings lined up for three days, finally enough impetus to get rid of my face and my butt hair. The shower looked like I had shaved a chihuahua.

I haven't been fucked since new york. I'm salivating for sex. The first trick asked me to greet him with a kiss like we'd known each other for years. I led him into the shower with my mouth on his dick. I used to hate it when johns tried to do anything with my junk, but now, thanks to T, any fumbling touch seems dangerously close to getting me off. He wanted me to tie him up but I just wanted to sit on his dick. He tipped 120 dollars.

The second guy I thought was a cop. Instead he wanted to pass a breath back and forth between us and talk about light refracting into colors as a simile for the omnipresent soul. Bad kisser but strong arms that I grasped onto while he fucked me. He turned me over and fucked in between my thighs. I wasn't sure if I should keep making sex noises because maybe at some point he would notice and then I would be exposed as a faker? When he came I wasn't entirely sure it wasn't death throws as I've gotten nervous about that recently. He gave me 300 dollars.

Biking home I don't see a possible ultimate ending to my hooking career, even as I'm saving up to get my tits chopped off. These times when it is just so sweet and easy I wonder why I don't do this every day. Tricky.
* * *
"Uh my girlfriends call my dick the 'giant one' which is nice...and very astute" LOLZ

* * *
* * *
Mountain Goats - See America Right
Nina Simone - Feeling Good
Judy Collins - I think it's going to Rain Today
Nico - Janitor of Lunacy
Big Black - Kerosene
Tori Amos - Crucify
Magnetic Fields - Papa was a Rodeo
Huggy Bear - Her Jazz
Kate Bush - How to Be Invisible
Jose Gonzales - Hand on yr Heart
* * *
I go on a date with this kid whose kind of still tripping on acid to Truck. He is sweet, kind of a cornball. I don't think I'm actually as interested in having sex as I'm trying to be, because I could fuck him but instead talk about how cruel I can be.

There are amazing drag shows at this bar. This queen twirls around on the podium and scissor kicks up into the ceiling. Never ever did I have that kind of talent in heels. I get to light her cigarette and tell her that I was honestly impressed, not just nothing else to say impressed. One boy did a performance where he broke plates then rolled around in them. It reminded me of Australia.

I don't know how to classify the fags at this bar. Hipsters? Art Fags? There is a fairy who goes by the name Squirrel. We're talking about scabies and other parasitic conditions and nobody seems to be grossed out so they can't be all that boring.

Tonight I'm invisible though. I'm not sure why. Conversations start including me and then my voice gets further and further away and all of a sudden I'm talking to myself. If no one knows I'm trans then I should be hot property - I'm young and pretty and suitably snippy. Maybe I just don't understand some kind of cue, like how .dee. told me that if you smile during cruising it means you aren't serious. maybetheyknowmysecret. Maybe I'm just not as cute as I think I am.

I need to figure out a different way of doing things. So much of my energy is going into sustaining passing. Creating fictitious boy childhoods for my Gay Male Relationships class. It's not a lie if it's just an omission of the truth is it? It's exciting and wonderful to be visually validated. I can't be touched though, I don't want people to feel my binder. And the longer I interact with people without telling them I'm trans the longer it feels tense - all of a sudden I've crossed this line and now I'm misleading and I'm scared of them finding out so I walk away. In my insecure mind (and perhaps reality) so much gay male flirting is structured around this theoretical cock which I don't have, they would never be talking to me if they knew

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do though. Carry around a sign that says 'secret vagina haver'? When I'm feeling self pitying I say things like maybe I should just live in a cave until I get my tits chopped off or I could just find out how to make this work....
* * *
I've been read as male probably 90% of the time. Only twice has someone called me 'she' and the first time they apologized once they 'realized I was a dude' and the second time it was a fag who through seeing my tattoo realized I was trans. What kind of wonderland is this? I keep feeling like it couldn't possibly be that my body and voice has changed enough to pass, that instead there must be a conspiracy that everyone is involved in - cops, corner store people, gays, everyone. It's unbelievable and maybe the most important month of my life.
* * *
I'm leaving for it's humid sweat and alcohol filled shores tomorrow, any suggestions?
* * *
URGENT update from the Harm Reduction Coalition:

HIV Prevention and Education programs funded by the State of California are gravely at risk in the budget Governor Schwarzenegger has sent to the California legislature. On the heels of Tuesday's election and the defeat of initiatives 1A -1E, the Governor has proposed a revised budget that would eliminate the entire $24.6 million that currently funds these critically-needed HIV prevention and education programs.

For Syringe Exchange Programs, this cut would mean no money to the counties for Syringe exchange programs, secondary syringe exchange, technical assistance, and the elimination of the Injection Drug use specialist position at the State Office of AIDS.

For every HIV infection these programs prevent, at least $650,000 is saved in lifetime treatment costs.
Hearings on the budget begin Thursday, May 21. Please join us in contacting your state senator and assembly person now to urge them to restore HIV Prevention and Education program funding.
Send a letter from http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/1627/campaign.jsp?campaign_KEY=27307
You can use the pre-written one, edit, or replace with your own.
* * *
* * *

Previous